Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
