That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
