He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
