I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
