I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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