The maid of honor just puked.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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