dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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