Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
