Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
