she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
