i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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