my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
did i just pee glitter
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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