i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How naked do you want me to be?
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