You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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