Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize