I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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