i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize