conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have already put on my inside pants.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
