I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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