I wish my penis had an off switch
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
