i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
