he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
