this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
