I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
