she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
