Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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