Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
