Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
