Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
