she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
