All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
