the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
