i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
