Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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