im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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