I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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