if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
