Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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