Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
