I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
