and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize