just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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