the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
