Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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