Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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