I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
