the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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