According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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