Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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