time to smoke my breakfast
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
