id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
