My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
