Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
