I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
