your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
