Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry about my life...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
