At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
