I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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