You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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