i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
