Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
