I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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