shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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