I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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