what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
