I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize